The Dots

The thing about connecting dots is that first, you have to see them. And even when you see them, the way in which you see them is shaped by what you already know. Take those connect the dots paper games from back in the day. You could just connect all the dots you see. And sometimes there'd be that dot way out at the corner of the page that you miss and it changed the full shape of the design. And most of the time they're numbered, which means you have to know how to count those numbers, in that order, to connect these dots in the way these folks designed. Now, you could decide, "Fuck their dots! I see the ones I see and the order I see!" and all these things that may make you feel like you're taking up your power and control - which then begs the question, why'd you pick up their book of connect the dots games in the first place? Or how long were you trying - maybe succeeding, maybe failing - but how long were you trying to connect their dots in these ways before you burned the book? 

Yesterday the dots were flying at me. The kept appearing and wouldn't stop and they felt like meteors. Burning, full-speed and all hurtling towards me.

Officer Jeronimo Yanez was acquitted, on all counts, for the murder of Philando Castile, who he murdered, on camera, in front of his partner and 4 year old child. 

White supremacy announced it will reinvigorate its attacks against Cuba, the Cuban people and the Cuban Revolution. 

HB3859 passed in Texas. 

Cosby mistrial. 

And these were just the headlines. The ones that made the news. People reaching out about the heartache they're holding from past lovers. Working through important relationships that are in tense times. Wanting to go grocery shopping and not having the energy to leave my house yesterday. All real. All happening. 

And all of these might seem like their own dots. Separate happenings, events, moments that don't have anything to do with eachother. Not for me though. Something takes shape, a whole, they're all connected. 

The same history that created the United States, that has used genocide, and all kinds of violence, physically, and through policies, to put Black people, Queer people, Trans people, women of color - so many groups towards the bottom of the pecking order, is the same one that also puts white folks, men, heterosexuals, abled-bodied people, so many folks at the top. So the weight I have that feels heavy, physically heavy, and has me laid up, literally laying down, most of the day, is created by all of this. The same conditions that have one Black man murdered by a light-skinned man of color, also exonerate a Black man who sexually assaults women. 

My medicine today for what's coming up is writing, making space for my rage (which includes arranging and rearranging plans with people outside of my house), crying, making elderberry syrup for me and to pass out to whomever, however and taking each choice for love, healing and liberation that I can. It's posting my feelings on facebook, and also choosing not to check it compulsively. 

I see the dots. I see their connection. I feel it in my body. I choose what will create me as a whole shape. What will bring all my dots out of the shadows and that has me my faith, love, joy, sadness, hurt and hope all materialize, all be part of the order. 

Heidi LopezComment