Sitting Up In My Womb

Some might not get the reference in the title to Brandys' hit from the Waiting to Exhale soundtrack Sitting Up in My Room so I've made it the first sentence here. I've always liked that song and I remember singing it con tanta gana (something like desire and conviction combined) when I was younger. I don't know who I was singing it to but there I was with every add lib, note and word as if I was some Rapunzel in my 5th floor walk up waiting for someone to "skeee-uuuu!" their way into my heart (yes, I have a window that faces the street). Just sitting. Up in my room. Back here thinking about you. 

And today, as I am in the middle of womb activation work with a group of sisterfriends I realize I should've been sitting up in my womb instead. The messages that I'm not enough, that I subsume every desire, want, dream for someone else who I'm sitting around waiting for is as played-out as the term played-out (sorry other 30+ year olds, it is). And the more I excavate, heal, release and create all that I want to have in my life and world, the more I see how these messages about not being enough, about love being with a man and only one person, and me being a tool for their desire and pleasure, are so deeply entrenched! They create shame and guilt when I center myself, my power and my desires. They make me think that the despicable things that happened to me at the hands of despicable boys and men - who also believe these messages -  are ok and are as "things should be" because "los primos se primen" (a disgusting saying said often by Dominicans; a play on words meaning cousins squeeze eachother referring often to sexual violence enacted between cousins, usually male cousins assaulting female cousins; in general making light of sexual violence experienced by girls and women in my community). 

And as liberating as it is to be in this work, it's also scary as fuck. So, I'm going to imagine that this song is actually about my womb singing to me. Begging me to come check her. That she's sitting there, at my center, with all the women and creation that came before, and all the women / creation that will come after (symbolically / literally). 

So here's a slightly revised version:

Pray that you'll invest
In our happiness
All it takes is just one simple call from you
Turn my heart around
If I'm making ground
Pretty baby please tell me if I'm getting through
Tell me what is up
You see I need to know
Tell if I'm far or if I'm getting close
I actually can discern
And my power works with you
Till I'm with you here's what I'm gonna do

Be sitting up in my room
Back here thinking 'bout you
I must confess I'm my best with you
Be sitting up in my room
Back here thinking 'bout you
I'm just my best when I'm with you!

-----

Always more to come. 

Love, Healing and Liberation. 

 

Heidi LopezComment